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And so
For people who don't read my FB - yes, me and Alex split up. I am back in my flat, with the cats. The cats seem a bit confused at the sudden shrinking of the garden and the absence of Big Human. Zip threw up a lot, but seems to have stopped now.
How am I doing? Not well. Really not well. There are people who are hurt and suffer for breakups, but my reaction seems to be full blown major depression. Not fun. And no matter how many times I've been there, and no matter that it has always got better, I am scared and the walls of the world are closing in on me and the light is fading.
My mom is coming up today, and my best friend Riccardo, bless him, who has endured through three of these breakups and still is by my side, will come up on the 11th. You know somebody loves you when they love you when you're down and no fun at all. I have lots of good friends like that, and I will need their help in the coming months.
This will be a difficult winter. Winter is never fun for me, and the coincidence of our relationship foundering on the onset of Autumn is such a ridiculous instance of pathetic fallacy that I would laugh if I wasn't so depressed.
I am not angry or resentful of Alex. Well, maybe a tiny bit, but even that is fading. We both tried very very hard. I care for him and I know he cares for me, even if he doesn't love me any more. Of this I have no doubt. And I have no doubt that he never wanted to hurt me. We just did not manage to find a way to love each other in a way that the other could receive.  

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Riccardo è un tesoro. And yes, depression is scary -- both because it's bad, and because it makes you scared. Do keep remembering that you'll get out of it, as you did before. It's one of those mythic things... the winter solstice festival, the sun goes away but then it comes back -- but it's a good idea to help it along. (And then if you like we can call you Persephone. But then again, maybe we can skip that bit.)

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