annafdd

I will have to write my own learning journal later, but today's counselling class brought up a lot of issues for me that have little to do with counselling per se, so I might as well put them down here. (Besides, I keep my journal private because it involves other people's experiences in the course - tonight I have nothing to disclose that is confidential)

We were shown a recording of one of Carl Rogers' sessions, taped around 1977. We were told to pay attention to Rogers' "core conditions" to create a therapeutic setting, but when the tape began I couldn't concentrate on them.

The fact is, the client was a young black man, and the more I watched the tape, the more I was struck by how different the past is.

First of all, I was amazed that the issue of race - as in, the therapist was a white man - was never openly discussed. If the session took place now (this was a second session, but let's assume that it was a beginning session) it would be unthinkable not to bring it up - too many things would be too loud if they were not spoken.

Secondly, this was what the client said: "It seems to me that you only have two options, you either are racist or anti-racist, and I don't want to be anti-racist". In 1977 it was possible to say this. And also: "If you are black and you are angry, you are militant, and militancy is frowned upon [in my milieu]". And here I thought: what innocent times.

It was very obvious that the client, despite sporting an afro (afros looked very cool - it didn't hurt that the client was cute - and a lot cooler than the shaved or closely cropped styles of today), and being sort of dressed like a black young man, spoke white, and very obviously believed that integration was possible if one could only be colorblind enough - this was what he meant by meaning that he didn't want to be "anti-racist". You could still think back then that you could escape the whole issue.

I could almost hear Tempest shouting in the background. :-)

In short, I could not concentrate on how the therapist showed acceptance and empathy, because it seemed to me that both of them were locked in oblivious times.

Then I came home and I watched an episode of Without a Trace that I hadn't seen before (which makes it a new series episode, I think) that centered about Katrina, and all my old outrage and helpless fury came back. I need to spoiler a bit here so I'll put it behind a cut:

( Spoilers for  )

And with those two lines the episode goes from being rather sloppy to being a rather hard indictment of all the wrongs that have been done, and let happen, and how they cannot be erased, ameliorated, washed away. It's easy of course to say "They", but as the storyline makes clear even people who "did the best they could" are not safe, are not absolved, are not able to sleep undisturbed.

So I found myself crying again, for a change.

You'd wonder why I keep treating myself to Without a Trace and Cold Case, who always make me cry and leave me blue.

Well... First of all, I have to add that I am sort of disappointed that in a subculture that rabidly watches and discusses TV shows, I always seem to be watching the wrong ones. For example, now everybody is watching Heroes, and of course Dr. Who here, and before that it was Buffy/Angel/Firefly. And here I am, glued to the set and completely absorbed by Dexter, and nobody to talk it over with! I feel so left out.

Anyway - back when I was in Italy I was addicted to this real-TV programme that was called "Have you seen...?" . It was about missing persons, and it consisted of two or three reconstructions of the missing person's life and circumstances, with an appeal to the public for sightings and hints of their whereabouts.

Most of my friends were horrified. Why do you watch that shit, they would say, it's a terrible programme, if people want to disappear why dont' they let them in peace.

There was indeed an element of intrusiveness and persecution, especially in the first seasons, but there was a lot about looking for the unmissed, caring for the unwanted, trying to understand crushed, lost lives, lives spiralling out of control, life slowly unravelling among the indifference or impotence of the surrounding family, friends, neighbours.

Cold Case and Without a Trace share this same quality (with, of course, my counselling course): they are exercises in understanding and empathy. As cop shows they are unusual as there is relatively little righteousness. Often the ending is bitter. They proceed not so much by detection as by inquiry, following the threads of a lost person with empathy and an effort at understanding. And the truth that is uncovered, even if it leads to a solution or justice, is often a painful truth. Cold Case very often tries to offer consolation or closure, but this acts on me more as an excuse for emotional release than as healing. (The coda, usually a meeting of the main characters who forgive, understand, hug, meet, or mourn together, is often so artificial as to be open to the interpretation that it is Lily's fantasy, her summing up of the case, her wish-fulfillment).

More worrying, as far as my possible future as a counsellor is concerned, is that I find it very hard to go beyond what is my own private emotional release to real empathy. The tutor today gently chided me because I couldn't let go of the notion that the client was in denial about his dread about dying (he had leukaemia, in remission), but I realized that I couldn't let go of MY dread, of MY feelings, what I would have felt in his situation. In fact, it would have been very difficult for me in a real client-counsellor situation not to let myself be overcome by feelings that are not so much empathetic as projective.

The more I go on, the more I realize that I would like very much to become a counsellor. But I am honestly doubtful if I have what it takes. I manage to be always so isolated. I pride myself on my empathy but what it could be is just that I am very much in contact with my feelings (and after twenty years in analysis and a counselling course and various and sundry other psychotherapies I bloody well should be). It remains to be seen if I can be of help to others.

I was very frustrated today because I had a hard time understanding what Rogers and his client were saying - the audio was 1977 quality. Also, I had a hard time sometimes understanding my fellow students. This goes alongside my immense frustration yesterday at Spaghetti House, where I found myself seated among interesting people that I liked very much saying interesting things and totally unable to take part in the conversation because I could only snatch floating snippets of conversations, enough to pique my interest but not enough to reconstruct what was being said (and there is a limit to the number of times you can ask "Who? What? What did she say? What are you talking about?").

Maybe it's the tiredness, but my comprehension, though better than it was, is still limited, and I wonder if it has hit its ceiling.

All in all, I felt alone and isolated, even though I knew I was among people who did care for me.

I am not depressed - but I am... sort of sad.

Pandagon quoting Too Sense


Maybe conditions in the Superdome would have been better if the evacuees had massage therapists to help them cope with the stress of being abandoned and left to die for five days; but I'm inclined to think that maybe food, water, and shelter would have been enough.

We have been trying to help and he won’t let us. We are all appalled and aghast, it breaks our hearts to see him hurting you like this, and you not fighting back, you just take it and take it as it slowly spirals down into the pits of hell. What will it take America, will you let him kill you before you’ll kick him out? This is not rhetoric America, he is killing you every day you stay with him. If I had described your relationship with George to you back when you were still with Bill you never would have believed me. He degrades you in little increments, every day he erodes your assets as well as your dignity, your reputation, your legacy and your life America.

In other news, coming back from the mall today I was listening to the radio and this woman on the radio was telling us how concentration of wealth into fewer and fewer hands is dramatically on the increase, especially in the USA but more generally in Europe and all the Western World.

Small survivor : US Airforce Lt. Nathan Brosheal holds a kitten rescued and airlifted to New Orleans International Airport in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, Louisiana. (AFP/James Nielsen)

Because I don't know about you, but I need this kind of stuff.

Anyway, the day has come when even codeine is not defeating my migraine. Well, I will try to finish the last six pages anyway and then I can crash.

I have finally managed to switch off the TV. I haven't started working yet. I am so sick with fury and disgust that I can't concentrate.

If you haven't happened on this link yet, here's the account of the - there's no other word for it - internment camp in Oklahoma. Bear in mind as you read this stuff that the people about to be taken in this camp are people that were, until last week, free adult citizens with jobs, family, pets, tvs, lives of their own.

A long time ago I put down Downbelow Station because I could not bear any longer the anguish of reading about Q-deck.

I tried telling me that I shouldn't be so angry, so shaking with fury, because it's not even my country, but it won't wash. Some things go beyond national borders and make you feel dirty just because you're a human being.

But I still get mad when they trot out the "Strong leader because of his response after 9/11".

All he did after 9/11 was give a speech. There was nothing else for him to DO.

Found this through Making Light:

There are many ways to restore lifestyle balance, and keeping track of and making progress with as many of the following changes is a good way to regain balance after having been exposed to or witnessed cumulative traumatic experiences:

Physical Self-Care

* Eat regularly (e.g. breakfast, lunch, dinner)
* Eat healthily
* Exercise
* Get regular medical care for prevention
* Get regular medical care when needed
* Take time off when sick
* Get massages
* Dance, swim, walk, run, play sports, sing, or do some other physical activity that is fun
* Take time to be sexual--with yourself, with a partner
* Get enough sleep
* Wear clothes you like
* Take vacations
* Take day trips or mini-vacations
* Make time away from telephones

Psychological Self-Care

* Make time for self-reflection
* Have your own personal psychotherapy
* Write in a journal
* Read literature that is unrelated to work
* Do something at which you are not expert or in charge
* Decrease stress in your life
* Notice your inner experiences -- listen to your thoughts, judgments, beliefs, attitudes, and feelings
* Let others know different aspects of you
* Engage your intelligence in a new area, e.g., go to an art museum, history exhibit, sports event, auction, theater performance
* Practice receiving from others
* Be curious
* Say no to extra responsibilities sometimes

Emotional Self-Care

* Spend time with others whose company you enjoy
* Stay in contact with important people in your life
* Give yourself affirmations, praise yourself
* Find ways to increase your sense of self-esteem
* Reread favorite books, re-view favorite movies
* Identify comforting activities, objects, people, relationships, places, and seek them out
* Allow yourself to cry
* Find things to make you laugh
* Express your outrage in social action, letters, donations, marches, protests
* Play with children

Spiritual Self-Care

* Make time for reflection
* Spend time with nature
* Find a spiritual connection or community
* Be open to inspiration
* Cherish your optimism and hope
* Be aware of nonmaterial aspects of life
* Try at times not to be in charge or the expert
* Be open to not knowing
* Identify what is meaningful to you and notice its place in your life
* Meditate
* Pray
* Sing
* Spend time with children
* Have experiences of awe
* Contribute to causes in which you believe
* Read inspirational literature (talks, music, etc.)

I hope this does not sound disrespectful, but I am really cheered by this piece of news:

Shocked but alive, residents of New Orleans zoo emerge from Katrina

Why did the animals survive? Nobody expected them to evacuate on their own and so the zookeepers stockpiled resources for them.

The big cats were kept well fed. "We invite journalists in, lock the gates and then they are never heard of again," he joked.

In fact the lions and other fierce felines had bellyfulls of meat thanks to a two week supply kept in massive freezers powered by generators.

For years, the zoo has been preparing for just such a storm, reinforcing concrete structures that house most animals during the hurricane, organizing emergency supplies and preparing for the potential evacuation of staff.

The director:

As flood waters rose in the low-lying city in the hours after the storm, he had feared they would drown the animals, Maloney said.

"I was this close to building the ark," he said.

Dr. Jeff Masters' Wunderblog:

(Good God, this man even knows how to use a possessive!)

Outstanding explanation of exactly how Katrina was predicted and predictable, ending with:

Its not just the current administration--every elected government since the days of Eisenhower has failed us. As I've outlined above, the problem is not likely to go away until the amount of money a candidate raises is no longer the primary factor determining who gets elected. Our elected officials won't care for the poor, as long as it is the rich who determine who get elected.

This is from Boing Boing: there is a wiki about recruiting volunteers to enter data into the New Orleans Network. This will help locate people. Details here:

PeopleFinderVolunteer

You can do it from home, you can do it for as long as you like, you can do it from abroad.

(grumble, I wish people would include ZIP codes with their info... or would not make ZIP code a mandatory field in their database)

Everybody has already linked to it, because it's required reading:

John Scalzi in Whatever:

Being poor is knowing exactly what everything costs

I'm listening to Chertoff. Somebody please get this murderous clueless incompetent bunch of fuckers to shut up, at least.

This is a pretty amazing clip (via Crooks and Liars). I suspect Fox's style is a bit emotional anyway, but seeing its pretty talking faces screaming "This is perspective! This is all the perspective that you need!" is pretty chilling.

sciamanna spared me the necessity to rant about the whole "refugee" thing, here in commente.

I still want to see New Orleans. Oh, i guess it won't be the same. But never mind. I'll see the new one. Even if it's a cleaned-up, plastic place, there will still be real people there needing the money, I guess.

I like this Cummings guy, but what's this shick about not calling people displaced by Katrina "refugees"? "These are not refugees, they are Americans, they pay taxes."

Excuse me?

What do these people think "regular" refugees are? Chopped liver? They're human beings. What is it, Americans are something loftier and better than, say, tsunami victims in Sri Lanka?

I'm not being disingenious. I know that they are trying not to get this poor sods get any more labelled. But the net effect is to add some baggage to a word, ie "refugee", that didn't carry it until yesterday.

I've seen it elsewhere but I thought I'd spread the word: very good examination of charities and which are dominionist and which not. Salvation Army is a bit iffy frex.

He's still FUCKING SMIRKING! He's in Mississippi and he's fucking SMIRKING!

I can't say what I think or they'll never let me into the USA again.

Second things - people evacuated from the Superdome apparently can't take their pets on the buses to the Astrodome. You'd think it's not as bad as leaving them to drown or die of thirst, hunger or filth... but for me, that's the most sickening and dehumaninzing thing I've heard so far. I lost the link because Firefox crashed on me before I could paste it, but I'm sure it can be found.

I guess this is making the rounds of blogdom already, but in case somebody hasn't come across it, this is Ray Nagin telling what he thinks of the relief efforts.